Stupid Human Behavior Number 564:

Doubting Oneself.

Yes, so that woman came here and stayed. How did it go? How shall I say it? It was as it always was (and will continue to be, I guess). I've been thinking the matter over. Really, she is a bully. She finds some vulnerable part of one's psyche and then she niggles it over and over again. Another point: she will be telling a story and only at the end does she relate it back to you and how your coping with life or your decisions. It was the same this time.

I think what was different this visit was that I had really held the whole situation in my heart. I was much more prepared. As it was happening, I thought of the movie The Matrix, at the part where the bullets of his opponent hang in mid-air and Neo just reaches out and, with his hand tracing a graceful arch, knocks them to the floor. Each bullet hits the ground with a little ting.

So she and I were sitting at the kitchen table and the conversation began. And sure enough, here came the little verbal bullets. I just watched them come, held them in my heart with as much compassion as I could and let them hang there until the fell to the floor. Pretty soon some more just came. O well.

From my research on the 'net, looks like bullies find people who have some vulnerablity and exploit that to cause suffering. She can smell my self-doubt a mile away and I make an easy target.

I did, that is. But things are beginning to change and I felt close to nothing as she sat there lobbing her unkindness in my direction. What unhappiness there must be to act that way towards anyone.

So off she went after a couple of days, back to her home, where she recreates this walled-in universe wherever she goes. I offer her my best intentions. May she come to know the love I have known. May she feel less threatened by her own stupid human behaviors and may she know real peace.